Sometimes I worry that I manipulate people; and other times I worry that they manipulate me. I can't think of any specific examples off the top of my head but I am becoming more and more aware of both cases happening.
I remember something J said to me once; something about women manipulating men by wearing short skirts, push-up bra's etc. My argument was that surely women were the ones being manipulated because they wore those type of things to get male attention. I guess it works both ways and is not likely to get better any time soon.
After my rejection of Kerry she tried to talk me into having a "friday night only" relationship; which at a fundamental male level sounds like the best thing ever. But I'm 30; I want to be with someone who I want to see all the time, who feels like my friend, who I want to talk to and who I think my friends will like. Most of all-someone who will let me be myself.
And that's what really got me thinking; with J I wasn't myself, with S I wasn't. I tailored my personality to be what I thought they wanted (which worked!) but it made me feel terrible. But they allowed it to happen so who manipulated who? It's not a conscious decision I make; it really is natural. I assume because of an intrinsic lack of self-confidence. But I am (or can be) extremely self-confident at times. So why did these strong women choose to be with me in the first place (and they did believe me!)?
Oh how I miss L. The one person I've been with who actually allowed me to be myself 100% and appreciated me for it. Or even encouraged me and made me better than I was.
Rant Over.
P.S. Forgot to mention the crazy thing K did; tell me how she was going on a date with a guy this week. Great thinks I! Then she texted me yesterday to say she'd made that up and it was only to make me jealous! And that she presumed that it hadn't worked! Very odd.....
