Here I Go Again (On My Own)

I think God might hate me. Bit melodramatic I admit but with my whole L/Christmas plan I figured I'd low profile for a bit. Instead I get a text message from L today saying she's in town on Thursday and do I want to meet up for a drink! Great! Except on Thursday I am in Glasgow.

Great big d'oh al a Homer Simpson.

Private joke for todays title. Had a cheeky completely spontaneous night out with E&B and CD last night which was a lot of fun, although because we started drinking at 3pm we were done by 9pm. So failed to really see the famous Newcastle nightlife. Anyway we had a good time discussing life, the universe and everything. Told them about crazy K (touch wood - I've not heard anything from her for 4 days now) to much merriment.

Oh, and I was proper bona-fide checked out by an attractive woman this morning. E clocked her staring too and she smiled and looked all coy. And that's all there was to it. That has made me happy all day!

I don't know what to write today; don't really have much to say but I'm trying (badly) to post something daily....

With regards to L I have decided that the very best thing to do is sit and wait it out til Christmas. No cryptic text messages, no heartfelt letters and no emails.

Had a very quite night last night -but I did try and record! Unfortunately I left the recording in the pub so have no idea how it sounds yet. I think we played ok; not our strongest night but not the worst either....

In other music news I have my finger on the cutting edge of new bands and am really getting into Soul Asylum...I just bought 'Grave Dancers Union' and 'Let Your Dim Light Shine' from ebay (for 99p each noless). Misery is fast becoming one of my favourite songs ever.....

No crazy and/or insulting text messages today which is good. Am slightly afraid K will turn up unannounced (again) tomorrow night when we're playing but I guess we'll see-I'll deal with it there and then.

This week I have found out that one of my friends has got engaged; last time I saw her (about 6 months ago) she was quite single so to find out she's engaged this week was somewhat surprising but she seemed incredibly happy so I'm not judging.

And I also found out another friend getting divorced! This was equally as shocking as the last time I saw the couple (again probably about 6 months ago admittedly) they seemed extremely happy together. They have a child together which makes it even more sad.

Those two stories are unrelated btw.

Have been thinking a lot about L and J this week. My brain and heart hurt. Watched Clerks II and it reminded about the last time I watched it when I felt in a very similar position to Dante-I know I've done the right thing now but still wish it didn't have to be that way.

Just watched Tropic Thunder and it's great! Tom Cruise is ace in it, as is Robert Downey Jr. Highly recommended.

BTW, according to K today I am a "coward with self-esteem" issues. Great!

A rare day off work for me - am still sick but hoping to be back to normality tomorrow. Or what constitutes normality for me anyway...

On Saturday I got 4 phones call and 20 text messages from K - pleading, and I mean pleading, with me not to call things off with her. Then a few more on sunday. I haven't even answered them yet as I don't know what to say! I feel bad but don't want to give her false hope.

On Saturday night I also ran into someone with whom I almost went on a date with about 3 years ago. For various reasons it never happened. Last night I found out that she has had a fiancee for 5 years! Although she was friends with someone my friend dated who had lied about her age (and being closer to 40 than we all expected) so maybe I shouldn't be surprised. However, I told her there was no chance of anything happening while she had a fiancee! Seems fair enough I think.

Today's quote is form a song I am currently writing. It doesn't have a title yet but I'm digging it so far....and it's not all Beatles references I promise.....

So..last night Martin was off ill leaving me on lead guitar detail

Luckily Rich came down so we were able to blast through Inside Out, Basket Case, Wishing Well and Rockin' In The Free World then adlibbed our way through the rest of the night with Won't Get Fooled Again, Hard Days Night, Carrie-Anne ~ La Bamba ~ Twist And Shout, Rain, Wanted Dead Or Alive (not my decision surprisingly), Wonderful Tonight, Brown Eyed Girl, Knockin' On Heavens Door, C'mon Everybody, Sit Down ~ I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), Mercy, She Came In Through The Bathroom Window, Teenage Kicks.

Unexpectedly ran into my old friend Lou whom I haven't seen for a couple of years which was a blast. She seemed to enjoy our playing although it meant I didn't have much change for a catch-up.

I'm also sick as a dog unfortunately; am supposed to be going out tonight but not sure I'm going to be able to.

So....I think this is the first blog I've written drunk since Poland.

I have another character to introduce. Lets called her Lillian. I know Lillian through an internet dating site (I confess!); she is 23 and lives in the same place I work. I have never met her. We have similar interests in music and film and regularly make recommendations to each other which are usually/always appreciated. I almost invited her to a party once but she was very ill at the time (which she told me before I'd even invited her) and another opportunity has not yet arisen.

But I feel I should say something; just ask her out. Only I don't know how. Or where. Or when.

Against all my expectations I've had a good night out with Kim tonight. That's her real name. Normally she's incredible drunk and abusive but after band practise tonight I hung around and had a few games of pool and a few drinks with her and it was fun....

Found my second grey hair today; the first one I found on my 29th birthday. At this rate (assuming I have an average 4,000 hairs on my head) I shall be a silver fox in exactly 4,664 years. Also assuming that my average doesn't drop.

On the positive side; my guitar playing is definitely improving-I've been listening to the new Ryan CD and can sometimes hear the chords and changes without having to even think about it. I can imagine how to play some of the licks too....

I have also just learned that Mr Kevin Smith has a new Q&A DVD out soon, as well as a new film - so double

Emotionally - normal today I think. None of yesterdays paranoia. I think the fact I just watched Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas made me feel a lot more normal, and very glad that I don't (and haven't) taken any drugs!

Sometimes I worry that I manipulate people; and other times I worry that they manipulate me. I can't think of any specific examples off the top of my head but I am becoming more and more aware of both cases happening.

I remember something J said to me once; something about women manipulating men by wearing short skirts, push-up bra's etc. My argument was that surely women were the ones being manipulated because they wore those type of things to get male attention. I guess it works both ways and is not likely to get better any time soon.

After my rejection of Kerry she tried to talk me into having a "friday night only" relationship; which at a fundamental male level sounds like the best thing ever. But I'm 30; I want to be with someone who I want to see all the time, who feels like my friend, who I want to talk to and who I think my friends will like. Most of all-someone who will let me be myself.

And that's what really got me thinking; with J I wasn't myself, with S I wasn't. I tailored my personality to be what I thought they wanted (which worked!) but it made me feel terrible. But they allowed it to happen so who manipulated who? It's not a conscious decision I make; it really is natural. I assume because of an intrinsic lack of self-confidence. But I am (or can be) extremely self-confident at times. So why did these strong women choose to be with me in the first place (and they did believe me!)?

Oh how I miss L. The one person I've been with who actually allowed me to be myself 100% and appreciated me for it. Or even encouraged me and made me better than I was.

Rant Over.

P.S. Forgot to mention the crazy thing K did; tell me how she was going on a date with a guy this week. Great thinks I! Then she texted me yesterday to say she'd made that up and it was only to make me jealous! And that she presumed that it hadn't worked! Very odd.....

So...being a naughty pirate I have my hands on a copy of this fine little album. As a dedicated advocate of legal music purchases I will be buying a copy (in fact I have pre-ordered and paid for it already) but I couldn't wait!

And guess what...I love it! Obviously being a huge Ryan Adams fan helps.

It's a weird feeling when you find out that your ex is not well liked, especially when it comes from two completely separate people who barely met her! It's reassuring that the right thing has been done at least but still....

Last night I went t the club again. The strangest/nicest thing said to me was "If I wasn't taken you'd definitely be my type". Still she bought me a beer anyway so I was happy. It would also seem that Donald, Arnold and I all kissed the same woman at various points in the night. I'm not proud but I am amused. I only later found out that A had actually recently dated her but only for 6 days. Strange days indeed....

I'm "the man". Or so says Martin to anyone who will listen anyway. It's nice to be appreciated occasionally.

Rocked through a multitude of songs last night, Free World, Basket Case, Wishing Well, Won't Get Fooled Again, Carrie Anne~You Can't Do That~La Bamba~Twist And Shout, Satisfaction, Paint It Black, I Think We're Alone Now & Skater Boi (both solo acoustic), My Girlfriends Dead, It's My Life, You've Got To Hide Your Love Away, Inside Out, Since You've Been Gone, Knockin' On Heavens Door, Sit Down, Brown Eyes Girl, I'm A Believer and a completely made up on the spot song too. Probably some others I can't remember as well. Pretty much played guitar the whole three hours.

Ace!

So Kerry has definitely gone now; blown away by text (kind of at her bequest but definitely at my instigation) and I feel bad about it; not because I thought it might lead somewhere...I don't know...

As for Tania - she's not married (as far as I know anyway) but she's only here for six months I have now been in this position three times and it's starting to really annoy me! In the words of Ryan Adams - why do they leave?

So my decision is this; do nothing. If she wants more she can come to me and we'll see how it goes.

Other news; my songwriting has dried up a bit but my guitar player and singing are both definitely improving, as is my confidence. I love my new TV. And I'm seriously thinking about a new flatmate now, more for someone to talk to than the money although that wouldn't hurt either. MY friend Emily has expressed an interested although she and I have an interesting past.......and possibly future too!

So...where do I start?

I suppose a little background would help.....

....I use to have a blog on another site and it was great. Only problem was that more and more people started to read it, including some of the people I was writing about. Hand on heart I never said anything bad about anyone but I possibly said some truths that perhaps in hindsight should not have been shared.

So this time around I have an anonymous name and I shall be changing all the names to protect the guilty. In fact, I don't really expect anyone to read this who knows me so I will be 100% honest. In my last blog I was 95% honest - everything I said was true but some things were omitted...

Here goes: I dated a girl, lets called her Lucy. Lucy and I dated for about 5 months before she went to, erm, Austria. This was planned before we got together but, like a fool, I fell head over heels in love with her. To this day I don't know if she felt as strongly about me as I did about her. But I think she did.

This was 2 and a half years ago. I still feel the same way about her. Anyway, she's in Austria and I started dating her best friend Jennifer. Who was the single most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. We dated for almost two years but personality-wise we were mis-matched. That ended in June this year. Which brings me to the present day. Obviously there's more to it that that but I think that'll do for now - I'll answer questions at the end if anyone has any.

So now I have given up with women. Lucy has come back from Austria and now lives 300 odd miles away from me. She has started dating someone.

Since Jennifer and I split up in June I have just recently started hanging out with someone who we shall name Kerry. And whilst I like her and she's nice I just don't feel anything for her; I don't look forward to seeing her even though when I do we usually have a good time.

Enter Tania. Portuguese and as good looking as Jennifer! An absolute beauty and no mistake. Really nice and sweet and I actually can't wait to see her again. Unfortunately I have to break one of my own rules to do so...............